About those from Mars and Venus
Some time ago now I had
the opportunity to attend
an Event where the
headliner read:
“Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus”
Well, believe it
or not, I have
never read
that book.
Crazy, I know – after
all these years !!!
I had heard about it
when it came out, but
at that time relationships
were not the highest topic of interest for me.
Nowadays, the topic fascinated me and I thought
it would be fun to see what other people had
to say about the whole Men & Women debate.
The evening was nothing as I had expected.
It was better !
What it boiled down to was an opportunity for
men and women to ask (anonymously) questions of
the opposite sex that they really wanted to know.
Here’s how it played out.
We each wrote down between 1 and 4 questions
on pieces of paper – girls on pink, guys on blue.
The papers were then tossed into a bag, shuffled,
then read aloud: pink to the guys, blue to the girls.
Can you imagine?!?!?
Not only could you ask questions that you’ve always
wanted to know about the opposite sex, BUT you
could finally tell them what you wish they knew !
Personally, I wish the entire female population
of the planet would’ve been present -
but the room wasn’t THAT big :)P
So, although our questions were to be anonymous -
you already know I’m going to share mine.
I have no shame !!!
The big question is #1, while
the others were after thoughts.
1) How do you really know when
a woman is interested in you?”
[especially - as more than just a Friend.]
2) Why do many women put up with
being treated poorly or disrespectfully?
(paraphrase): Why do girls stay with jerks?
3) Are nice guys seen as weaker or stronger?
4) Do women prefer Romance or security ?
Now, about question #1 -
once all of the feedback was presented by the
Ladies present, my favorite response
from one of the guys was:
“take it – and times it by 10″
to which the rest of we males in the room
mentally high fived him and cheered “YES!!!”.
But yes – it was agreed that for the most part,
the guys aren’t picking up on
what the girls are throwin down.
Me – I’d say crank it up x 20,
but then again, I’m clueless :)P
So, now that I’ve got that out -
let me share a few comments from other
people to whom I’ve thrown these questions.
1) How do you really know when
a woman is interested in you?”
[especially - as more than just a Friend.]
@}-’– a woman will tell you when she feels secure enough to
@}-’– If she is anything like me…she will tell you
@}-’– I don’t think there is a universal answer
to this question, but I think if you ask, a woman
would tell you. I don’t think every woman would
just come out and say so.
@}-’– She’s responsive. You call, she picks up,
you ask her out, she says yes, you touch,
she allows or touches back.
@}-’– She doesn’t ignore your calls
@}-’– open communication, body language,
the look, the words, time spent together
@}-’– when I’m interested in a man,
I make eye contact, and a lot of it…
I will touch my hair a lot, SMILE a lot,
at some point, expect him to make the next move.
Usually if contact is initiated by either party,
I notice that I make physical contact as well as the
above mentioned actions…ie touching the arm or
shoulder, and engage him in conversation.
@}-’– can you make her blush?
If you are able to make her blush
she is interested in being more than just a friend.
@}-’– She tells you straight up.
Girls (read as immature persons) IMHO
plays the games & Women are honest;
especially if they have self-assurance &
self-awareness, they say things honestly.
@}-’– You know.
@}-’– She returns ur txts, phonecalls, etc &
when u ask her if she’s interested she says YES.
No assumptions. No games.
@}-’– She compliments you honestly.
(Wow. Nice shirt. – fake. I really like that shirt
on you because it compliments your eyes. honest)
She maintains eye contact.
(No, she doesn’t stare into your eyes like
she’s trying to hypnotize you or read your mind
She looks at you while you are talking,
maybe coy little glances here & there.
Her eyes seem to “sparkle” when you look at her)
Your compliments make her blush.
(Not a full-on red head-to-toe, but a little blush
to the cheek, a little smile. And not everything that
comes out of your mouth should make her blush)
She laughs appropriately and genuinely at your jokes.
(self-explanatory) She tries to make some form of
body contact (a touch of the hand, shoulder,knee, etc)
She makes you feel as if what you have to say is important.
It’s not discounted or ignored.
You catch her looking at you when she thinks you aren’t looking.
To absolutely know that I liked you more than a friend
(and remember, I can only speak for myself)
would be easy – you would see all of those things.
@}-’– She’s there – present – in every way interested in you,
your life, your dreams, the REAL you.
========
* * * Are you back ???
I am. So what did you get out of that?
There are a LOT of opinions on this !
Many different views on how a woman shows if she
is interested in a man and what signals she willl send.
No wonder men are often confused !
Now, I think men are a bit simpler for the most part.
If we’re interested in you, the biggest tip is that
we are looking at you… often, and not just in the eyes -
if you know what I mean. Yep. We’re beasts.
And we’re going to puff up a bit & look “cool”.
If you are close enough to see the eyes,
and I’m fairly certain this is true of both
men and women – they’ll be wider – more dilated.
I know I can almost feel my eyes get bigger when
I see someone I am attracted to. That, and I blush.
So… if I’m looking at you with wide eyes & blushing
RUN !!!
;)P
The braver & bold will more than likely make it
a point to move closer to you – eventually striking
up a conversation with you. THIS means interest.
IT DOES NOT MEAN we are going to call you later.
This is the point where I am stopping (for now)
because where this “interest” goes from here
has everything to do with the individual.
Some guys will use this interaction to try
and get to know who you are better because
they want to see if there is more to the
initial attraction that just exterior.
Other guys will use this time to see how far
they can get & what their chances are for sex.
Yeah, I just said that. Out loud.
(a traitor to males everywhere)
Oh, and by the way – if a guy is being a
kind of jerk to you, girls – he may have
figured out that you kind of like that on
some level and is using it to lure you in.
Sorry, but it’s true.
Anyway, I’m going back to the guys part,
because I am one, I am biased, and I have
a vested interest in telling you Girls, Ladies,
Women (pick the one that doesn’t offend)
that we MEN out here think that you need to
pretend that we are dense neanderthals who
do not have a clue as to what your clues are
AND that you need to multiply your “hints”
by a factor of 10… unless they’re toward me.
Then it’s x 20.
Oh, and one more thing.
Silence is NOT golden.
INTEREST means INTERACTION – not silence.
A lack of response conveys a lack of interest.
So for now I’m going to lay off of this one -
and now would be a GREAT idea to see THIS:
(How Do You Know What I’m Saying?)
Now, question #2 was:
2) Why do many women put up with
being treated poorly or disrespectfully?
(paraphrase): Why do girls stay with jerks?
And here are a few of the answers
that were shared with me…
@}-’– women put up with shitaki like that because
they think their love will change the man, but it doesn’t,
leaving him does, cause it forces him to wake up
@}-’– because we are stupid….bad boys are addicting
this will change soon
@}-’– I think women are basically forgiving,
and if a man asks s for a second chance, she
is willing to give him 5 or 6 chances.
@}-’– They don’t think they deserve better,
or can get better and they get addicted to the
good stuff and hope the bad stuff will go away
when he “falls in love” with her.
@}-’– insecure and feel they don’t deserve better,
typically based on life experiences with father and
men in their lives who have let them down repeatedly
@}-’– …was brought up that you are supposed
to make it work no matter what… not wanting
to be a failure, …. now, unmarried… i know
i dont have to put up with it, and that i can
make it on my own, because i have for 8yrs now…
is it lonely.. of course, but no way will i settle….
@}-’– I think its a combination of low esteem/
past experiences on the woman’s part, and the
eternal struggle some women seem to have that
they can change a man, or that once the man sees
how wonderful they are and how a good of a woman
she is, he will change. It almost never changes,
and if it does, it only gets worse.
@}-’– We stay with jerks cause we think we can change them
@}-’– because women believe they can “fix” them;
they are attracted to power and fixing problems
impart empowerment to women
@}-’– Because she has self-esteem issues or
she is used to being treated bad (thinkfamily, past, etc).
@}-’– Women, like men, often accept whatever
type of treatment that they feel they deserve.
It may not be a conscious choice, but somewhere
inside, a person who is disrespected and sticks
around for more somehow believes that this is
the best they can do. When they feel better about
themselves, they naturally draw different lines.
@}-’– Lack of self esteem but women …
can be EQUALLY disrespectful to men too.
We just get called “crazy” for acting “OUT”.
@}-’– bc we can’t admit we made a judgment error
and that we can fix the jerk to make him act
like he did to win us over in the first place
@}-’– We are hard-wired to nurture.
Society teaches us to let the man be in charge.
When we don’t have the sense of self worth to stand up
for our own personal values we get sucked into believing
this is as good as it gets, as good as we deserve, or that
if we are good enough we can make it better.
======
Well, by now you’ve probably nodded your head
a few times and also shook it more than once.
One thing I will add to this based on talks over the years is
that the more time and emotion is invested into a relationship,
the longer most women (and a lot of guys) will put up with
those things that are not conducive to nor supportive of
a healthy relationship. Because if they don’t, they
will have wasted all that time & energy for nothing.
And… what usually ends up happening is they
throw more and more into it hoping for the best.
More red flags are disregarded, poor treatment overlooked and
the goal becomes salvaging the relationship for the sake of
being in a relationship rather than creating and cultivating
a fulfilling, loving, nurturing dynamic between the couple.
When I see this happening, in nearly every case one and usually
both parties are lacking a sense of being complete within
themselves and so they try to fill the voids with a partner
or cover it up by being involved in a relationship rather
than first seeking fulfilment with and within themselves.
(This may be revealing for you -
and you may benefit from reading it now —->>>
Live Happily Ever After, Before, and During
So – all of this trying to change your partner?
How about stepping back and pouring your energies into
first discovering who you are and changing those things
within you that keep you from being happy with yourself.
Once you do that, I’ll bet you will begin attracting
those who will not require you to change them -
and they not want to change you, either.
Because until you are truly OK with yourself,
you will continually attract people to you who,
like you, are also looking for someone else to
fill the voids and make them happy in their Life.
And though at first this might sound like a great
win/win situation; a long lasting relationship
is one that thrives on abundance, not scarcity -
and trying to match up and fill the holes in your Life
with different holes is just going to create more holes.
So let me end this section by saying
Women -
No need to bolster your ego, raise your self esteem,
or believe that somehow putting up with being treated
less than what you deserve makes you any less of
a failure than you believe yourself to be.
Key words being “what you believe yourself to be”.
And often those beliefs are buried very deep…
And now that 2 days have passed since I wrote this,
I have to add this:
Many times a woman will settle for a man who treats her
at the level to which she feels she deserves to be treated.
Because that feels normal – that feels comfortable.
She may say she wants better. She may seek better.
And on the outside she may seem to be saying and doing
all the “right” things that would make those around her -
AND EVEN HERSELF – believe she wants and deserves better.
Yet time after time she ends up with jerks.
(Don’t think this mentality is only reserved for Women)
The unfortunate part of this is that for every jerk
who comes into her Life, wreaks havoc, crushes heart
and moves on – it pulls her sense of worth further down.
Most will keep trying to find some “great guy” to
make it all better and feel happy and loved.
I’m not saying that’s a bad idea, but the reason those
kinds of guys aren’t exactly drawn to her is because
she really isn’t happy and in love with herself first.
At least NOT at the level that will attract the “right” guy.
(I have to add that now because I don’t want to close
down any minds at this new can of worms I’ve opened)
Bottom line, man or woman:
if you keep finding yourself in relationships
with jerks, users, control freaks, psychos, and
countless other terms I’ve heard over the years -
consider that the ONE THING they have in common
is you. You. YOU.
Start there.
Onward.
To number 3 !!!
3) Are nice guys seen as weaker or stronger?
And survey says:
@}-’– nice guys are stronger by far
@}-’– No nice guys aren’t weaker or stronger…
they are just not as impulsive….unless you
find one who has a “dark side” LOL
@}-’– Nice guys are not seen as weaker or stronger,
but I see them as more stable. It’s a good thing.
@}-’– Nice guys are neither. However, the guy must bring the heat in some way for her to stay attracted. “The heat” is different for each woman. Know what does it for her and do that. Then she will love the nice guy part.
@}-’– Neither – nice guys are the best it is the other part -
” Confidence” that is what women are attracted to!
@}-’– it takes a strong man to be nice in times that are tough… 
@}-’– I think it really has very little to do w/a guy
being nice. It has more to do w/ physical chemistry
AND how you relate on an emotional level. I think
“society” associates nice guys being weak and bad boys
as being stronger. Its up to the individual woman
to decide, but again, I think its a balance.
@}-’– I love a guy strong enough to show his weakness.
@}-’– do you REALLY want to have anything to do
with a woman who considers being “nice” tobe a weakness???
@}-’– No, not in my case. I see nice guys as good folks
w/ no ulterior motives. I trust easier than some.
@}-’– Being nice is a definite sign of strength.
It’s much easier to be a selfish jackass than it is
to consider how our actions impact those we love.
Strong men–strong people–are able to conduct
themselves in ways that build something.
They are long-distance, not sprinters.
@}-’– Neither. At the end of the day,
we want a sweetheart that’ll comfort our tears!
@}-’– nice guys are seen as stronger if
u can be a bad boy behind closed doors
@}-’– A nice guy is a strong person.
It’s being wishy-washy that’s a sign of weakness
There’s a big difference. A nice guy is “real” and
does things out of genuine kindness and concern
A wishy-washy guy does nice things to get someone
notice or like him, or says he will do things to get
someone to notice or like him, but never follows through.
@}-’– I had a good friend who once told me
that girls are attracted to guys that hurt them.
I told him that a woman wants to know that her man
will stand up for her and protect her if she needs it.
But not that she wants him to use that strength against her.
She wants to know it’s there, but there to keep her safe.
I think this applies to all aspects of a relationship.
I want to know my guy is strong enough physically
to help me take care of things I physically can’t
(doesn’t need to be a body builder, just carry the
heavy boxes once in a while); strong enough mentally
to be able to carry on a good conversation;
strong enough emotionally to know who he is
and be his own person without me having to carry
his emotional baggage for him; and strong enough
spiritually to have his own values and convictions
in life so I don’t have to be his moral compass.
I want someone strong enough he could hurt me,
but meek enough that I never have to waste a
second of my life thinking that he might.
=======
Now here’s one that I don’t think I need to weigh in on.
Much.
I think “nice guys” are the type a woman
will choose as she matures.
While she is young, however – nice guys
may be seen as sweet, but boring.
Hear me out on this.
Most girls are reckless and wild to some degree in their youth,
and they would rather spend time being around guys that both
bring that out of them as well as feed on that energy.
Nice guys are somewhat of a buzz kill and kept as “just friends”.
And I know that isn’t ALWAYS the case; just the most prevalent.
My final say on this, and I hope this doesn’t make you blush -
but as the song “Yeah” by Usher says of Women:
“We want a Lady in the street, but a freak in the bed”
When I read between the lines here,
I’d say women want a nice guy when
the occasion calls for one, and behind
closed doors and occasionaly not – a bad boy.
So my 4th question asked was
4) Do women prefer Romance or security ?
Survey SAYS:
@}-’– most women want both romance and security…
@}-’– some women prefer security….
I prefer Romance since I have never had it
even in my 20 yr marriage
@}-’– Women love romance, but I wouldn’t want
to have to choose between romance and security.
If you have both, you’re a winner!!!!
@}-’– both are important in different times.
To simplify to the extreme, romance for the
weekends and night time, security for weekdays.
@}-’– both.
@}-’– Do women prefer Romance or security ?
security meaning safe, or meaning taken care of.. ?
big difference. i would love to be with someone
that i feel safe with, not looking for any ones assets…
would love to find someone that can come close
to my romantic ways.. although, and this
isnt settling.. someone that i feel safe with, that is kind,
and somewhat romantic would bea dream!
@}-’– The women with “security” want romance…
the women with “romance” want security.
@}-’– : a man who can provide both
@}-’– In my case I’d like the security of knowing
I am loved, appreciated & a Partner in the relationship
& Romance should IMHO be a part of that. (On both sides).
@}-’– Both, but maybe not in the way that you
might have meant. Real security is what we want–
I believe that it’s what men want, too–and that has
nothing to do with money. It has EVERYTHING to do
with knowing, deep down, that come hell or high water,
that person is there for you, with you, a part of you.
That person loves you, and you are free to be
vulnerable because they would never, ever
betray your oneness. As for the romance part,
the movie-type of romance is nice, but far better
is the everyday kinds of things that we do to remind
the other person that their hottness is still alive and well.
It’s picking up her hair as she stands at the sink and
kissing her neck. It’s looking for her in a crowded room
and smiling because she’s smiling. It’s remembering
some little thing and delighting her because you
pay attention enough to remember. It’s being able
to make her blush with a look–THAT look–no matter
how long you’ve been together. Honestly, I think we all–
men and women–want exactly the same things.
I think where we go wrong is in assuming that
‘they’ are mysterious, rather than giving freely
what we want, at our deepest and most honest level.
@}-’– romance vs security.
Are they mutually exclusive? If u romance me
I will feel secure. If u provide for me I feel secure, which
makes me feel loved. They are leaves off the same tree…
But love notes and massages go a looooong way!
@}-’– Someone answered that those
that have romance want security and vice versa
I believe it’s true that many women want what they
don’t feel they have. For me – romance breeds security.
If a man cares enough to still be romantic after the
“honeymoon is over”, that will build a feeling of security.
@}-’– I think if you have a truly honest relationship
both will foster each other. When only one is present
the woman will always yearn for the other.
When we know and care about ourselves as
individuals then there are no hesitations about
giving fully to our partner. And when we give fully
and honestly the security is in place and the
romance is just there. What is romance anyway?
It’s (from one of my all-time favorite movies –
Phenomenon) “buying her chairs”. It’s doing
whatever little thing is important to her.
==========
(Back again )
I’ve heard said in many places from many people
over the years that they would be happy
living in a tent if they were in love.
And… that may sound good on the surface – but really?
From what I’ve seen and have had shared “behind the scenes” -
security (more specifically along the financial realm) plays
a weightier role than most women will ever reveal publicly.
Now, don’t take that to mean women are “gold diggers”.
As so many have commented previously – they would like both;
and those who have one but not the other – desire what they lack!
Let’s face it – there is a certain level of NEED that should
be met before succumbing to the sweet song of Romance.
Now, I’m going to throw a bit of my own personal Life in here.
(yeah, like I’ve never done THAT before ;P)
I went out a few times with a young Lady years ago with
whom we both really “clicked” for one another. I think it
was after our 3rd date that she shared with me that she didn’t
think that I was capable of supporting her and her 4 children.
Now, I’m sure at the time she broke the news to me gently,
and I suspect my ego was bruised & feelings hurt.
What I chose to keep with me was an admiration for her being
able to choose what she felt best for her family instead
of merely following emotions and “hoping for the best”.
And I’ve heard many different views on this topic – trust me!
With most any topic in which we may fear being judged on,
there is a response that is given, and one that is true.
Sometimes the two are the same, other times… Not.
Ah, but that is a subject in itself -
so let’s stick to what I think we can all agree with:
Though the amount of each may vary
from one person to another -
what both men and women want
from their partner is both
security and romance.
AND
most will give up a bit of one
in order to have the one that
is more important to them.
OK. I think I’m done with that part.
If you’ve stuck with this – good for you !
This whole thing has taken me weeks to finish.
Many times I’d sit here for hours with only a
few words by the end of the night to show for it.
And now… What I really want to say.
This is probably how I should have started !
WHY DO YOU MAKE THIS SO DIFFICULT ?!?!???
From here on out I hope I can just talk to you one on one
and not have to worry about whether I’m using all
the right words and dotting I’ & T’s…
Can we just do that?
I know there are countless books that would try to enlighten us
on the mysteries of Man, the mysteries of Woman – various tips,
tricks, and techniques to teach us how to win each other over.
Play it cool, don’t seem too eager.
Wait for them to get back to you.
Wait a few days to call back.
Don’t say too much.
Huh.
My brain works different I guess.
The way I see it, sure – We just met:
yeah, and how great is THAT!!
We’ve had 365 days a year of each
year in our lives of NOT meeting yet.
It’s about time !!!
So why waste precious moments
and time we will never get back
by playing some long drawn out game
of just being “cool”, not being in a rush,
and focusing on the fluff that has so little
to do with getting to know who we are ?
If we spent half as much time actually focusing on
getting to know the really important things about
one another as we do jumping through all of these
ridiculous hoops and playing shallow minded games -
We would know far sooner and with less headache
and heartache whether you and I are a good match.
But that’s just me.
Let’s talk about US !!!
Deep down, I think these things may ring true.
We want someone with whom
we can share our excitement
without being judged,
ridiculed or criticized.
We want attention, we want respect.
We want to be loved and appreciated
IN A WAY WE REALLY DEEP DOWN INSIDE “GET” IT
We want someone to confide in who we can trust
Someone who will lift us up – and
put us in our place if we need it.
We want someone who will give us our own space
when we need it without condemning us for it
or making us feel guilty or like we “owe” them.
We want someone who will be a partner, a friend,
sometimes a teaser – more times a pleaser,
a companion, a Lover, a confidant, and
with whom we each “get” the other.
And sure, I probably missed a few -
but really, would you want to be
in a relationship with someone
who was not at least all of these ?
And really, both men and women want very
similar things when it comes down to it.
In fact, wouldn’t it be a novel idea to recognize
the things we share and have in common rather
than continually focusing on our differences?
It’s the common ground that we share and stand on
that will get us through the storms and be the glue
to help bind us together when things try pulling us apart.
So what I’ll end with sums up my thoughts:
Women may be from Venus,
and Men may be from Mars
Yet we circle the same sun
and stare at the same stars…
Though Men and Women desire much the same,
we have different ways of seeing it, showing it
hearing it, saying it; feeling it and expressing it.
IF… If it is truly your intent to find or be found by someone
who you would walk hand and hand into the sunset with -
be sure your Happily Ever After begins with you.
And make sure you are crystal clear
in your Communication.
Do not play games with others and
don’t allow them to play games with you.
You deserve better.
.
.
.
.
.
