This will hurt me… more than it will hurt you

just-like-you-dad
I was a bit choked up that night
after I put my son to bed and we’d
kissed each other goodnight.
I almost made it to the door
when his little voice said
“I love you, Dad”

Looking back at the morning’s events,
I’d carried a heavy heart through the day.
Long story short, choices were made
and actions were taken that led to a
few good whacks on his bee hind.
His tears were shed then.
One of the things I shared with him,
as was told to me many times while growing up,
is that “It hurts me more than it does you”.

I don’t think I ever really “got” that back then.
As a parent, though – it’s loud and clear.
It really does hurt us more.
And… on many levels.
If you’re a parent, you’ve probably had those thoughts
of inadequacy, the questioning where you went wrong;
the fear that you’re failing as a parent.
(How bad are you screwing your kid up?!?)

Where do you draw the line ?
What battles do you pick ?
What are the boundaries ?
How far should you give ?
Do you give in at all ?
Is this worth it ?

So many doubts.
So many times left saying;
“What have I done ?”

This and so so very much more
is what I took in with me as I
walked back into his room.
Did I deserve a hug ?
Would I get a kiss ?
Did he still… love me ?

Because beneath it all -
that’s what’s really there;
THAT is what is underneath…
so many things.

And so it was that our goodnight hug
was a bit longer than usual – we both
squeezed one another a bit tighter.
Kisses exchanged with twinkling eyes.
My bid of “Goodnight, I love you”
met with a “Goodnight” in return.

I was doing fine,
I held it together.
Almost to the door…

And then the music to my heart;

“I love you, Dad”

And I knew he meant it :)

~Rob
ps: Christopher – if one day
you ever find this and read it -
you will smile, shake your head
and say “You were right, Dad…”

And if you are reading it now,
know that from the bottom of my heart
I have loved you before you took your first breath,
and my love for you has only grown greater since then.
Nothing you have done, nothing you do nor will do
will ever diminish nor tarnish the depth of my love for you.
Always…
Always and every day

I love you.

Love,
Dad 

Dad-n-Lil-Guy

Dedicated to my Dad,
seen above holding his Grandson