Is what you say what you mean?
So how well do you think you know what
the people in your World are saying?
Do you know if that’s what they meant??
There are a handful of commercials from a cell phone
company that give examples of how a dropped call
can really ruin a conversation.
In one case, a guy calls his girl on the phone, and it goes like this
(this is a GREAT example)
M) Hey baby
F) Hey – What’s up?
M) Not much. Just wanted to talk to the most
beautiful girl in the world, that’s all.
F) That’s sweet 
M) It’s true!
F) Yeah, yeah…
M) It’s just nice to know that I’m the only man in your world.
( Call drops – Silence from her end )
( pause… pause… pause…)
M) I am the only man in your world… right ?
F) silence…
M) Baby ??
F) silence…
M) Baby… Is it… is it… Earl ?
F) silence…
M) Cat got your tongue??
F) silence…
M) Earl got your tongue ?!?!!
So we can probably play out this scenario ourselves.
He gets ticked, probably says a few choice words.
Spends the rest of the day wondering what’s wrong,
finally gets fed up with it & goes to a bar that night
looking for this Earl character. Gets in a fight.
And that’s it !!! She’s not even worth the trouble -
it’s OVER, and he is done with her games and how
dare she cheat on him after all he’s done for her !
Oops.
Went a little overboard there.
* STOP *
Jot this down:
“Where there is silence,
there is often assumption:
and we tend to fill the void
with answers born of doubt and fear.”
* CONTINUE *
I wish I could say that I’m exaggerating with my
take on the What Happens Next in the commercial,
and you know I am (kinda) BUT I HAVE seen this kind
of thing happen – and I have even had it happen to me !
Not a dropped cel phone call;
but a dropped communication between people.
Do you know what a dropped communication is ?
It’s any communication that is not received as delivered;
a communication where the interpretation
is different than the intended meaning.
Given that interpretation happens internally,
there is no way of knowing if something is being
understood correctly or being unknowingly confused.
And Where there is silence,
there is usually assumption.
So check this out.
I’m at a friend’s house and his 4 year old son
is about to stick the end of some toy into
an electrical outlet. Yikes !
Fortunately, the dad stops him -
and tells him not to do it again -
that he could get electrocuted !!!
And finishes it up with a stern
“Do you understand?!??”
His son nodded sincerely and said “yes”.
Disaster avoided… Right???
Seriously?
SERIOUSLY ?!?!?!?
Understand what?
What was he supposed to understand ??
DOES HE EVEN KNOW WHAT
THE WORD UNDERSTAND MEANS ?!?!?
Guess what?
As we get older, we know more things and
become familiar with what more words mean.
And while this is all well and good,
it also becomes more dangerous.
- Because we think we know
what a person means
by the things they say.
Let’s be real -
I’m pretty sure we all think we do a pretty good
at communicating and most people I know
for the most part say what they mean.
Precisely the trap.
You say what you mean,
and leave it to the other person
to KNOW what you meant.
And chances are they hear what you’re saying
and interpret it to mean what THEY THINK it means.
Here is the “missing” in at 98%
of the conversations I hear.
Affirmation of interpretation.
Even if you ask someone
“Do you know what I mean?”
they’ll usually say yes most of the time,
and if they don’t & ask you to repeat it -
you may repeat/explain it in a different way
BUT UNLESS you have them affirm what they
thought you said and meant, you’re still
rolling the dice in the same game.
Even though you may say something in a different
way and ask if they understood it better that time -
IF the response is “Yes, thank you for clearing that up”
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S REALLY CLEARED UP ???
I am doing my best to hammer this home
and if it seems redundant, so be it.
I’d rather be redundant than unclear -
because I cannot tell you what being
casual and assumptive in my own
communication has cost me.
It’s one of the main reasons I have
halted all other projects until this
is finally “out there” in the Universe.
So consider this piece the
“Rainbow” after the storm !
The key is in realizing that everything IS interpreted.
Everything. EVERY. THING. Always. A L W A Y S.
And this interpretation is based on what WE know.
And what does our knowing consist of ?
Our past experiences, lessons, understanding, and
everything our brain has gathered up to this point.
But the wild card is this:
It’s all OUR knowledge & experience;
not the other person’s.
Even if you’re a twin -
you still don’t know
what the other knows.
You still don’t know for sure
what the other person means
until they tell you
and you tell them.
And finally – we’re at a solution.
A simple and easy solution to the biggest cause
of destruction and chaos between people.
If you are being told anything that
might be even remotely important,
repeat back to the person saying it:
1) What you heard
2) What you think it meant
Rinse. Repeat as needed
until the words run clear.
I’d love to see you work this
into your day to day conversation.
If you do this with the intent of creating
a better understanding of what people mean
when they say the things they say -
you may be surprised at how often the words
they use do not convey the intended message.
So, do you remember what I told you
to jot down earlier ? Did you ??
(If not – why not ?)
“Where there is silence,
there is often assumption:
and we tend to fill the void
with answers born of doubt and fear.”
Remember the video at the beginning?
This is a whole new can of worms.
Just as the words we say and hear
can cause so much confusion,
more so can silence.
Because with silence -
we have only our own self to sort.
And it is human nature to wonder
what might be wrong when an immediate
“this is right” is not present.
We make the silence mean something
other than what it really is:
the space between words.
We build stories from the projections of
our fears, doubts, inadequacies, and worry
far more than we create visions
framed within optimism.
Especially in today’s fast paced arena
of email, instant messaging, and texting -
so many have become spoiled by the luxury
of modern technology that keeps them “in touch”.
Yet with these tools has come the expectation
of a more rapid response time and a higher
demand for frequent contact.
Do you want to drive someone crazy?
Send them an email or text that just says;
“You know, I’ve been thinking…”
And leave it at that.
See what is said to fill
the void of the unknown.
Nature SO does abhor a vacuum ;)~
And yes, I a one of those who believes
that silences at times says volumes
more and speaks louder than any words.
AND at the same time
I’ve been caught too many times
believing the silence meant something
that it did not, and it really was simply
the amount of time it took between
the last words and the next.
Darned assumptions.
Speaking of, don’t ASSume for a moment
that I’m going to let you get away
without including our Guest of Honor
where the issue of silence is concerned !
The word is: ASSUME !!!!
And I’ll skip the many definitions and just
elaborate on the one that I like & applies the most:
as·sume
” (1.) to take for granted or without proof; suppose;
postulate; posit: to assume that everyone wants peace. ”
So let’s flash back a bit at real Life scenario.
Some time ago a friend asked if I’d be
interested in helping work on a car, and
I replied that I hated working on cars.
After several days, I asked them if
they still needed help, and they told me
that they thought I didn’t want to help !
I shared that simply because I didn’t like
to do something didn’t mean that I would not
nor be unwilling to do it.
If I only did things I wanted to do,
I’d probably never get out of bed !
The ASSUMPTION that I did not want to
nor was I willing to help cost them time,
possibly money, and a strain the friendship.
The other night a friend of mine was having
a tough night and had shared a few things
via text that were important to them.
Because I didn’t reply immediately, they
assumed I “didn’t want to talk about it”.
Furthermore, because I “didn’t want to
talk about it” – it was obvious that I
didn’t care about them or their feelings !
See? Isn’t assuming fun ?!?!?
It’s both fascinating and frightening
how often we fill in the blanks of Life.
One night someone I knew well
told his wife “I don’t care”
when she asked him if he
wanted her to leave.
I think she assumed he was serious,
and he assumed she knew it was only
said in a moment of frustration.
I’ll bet you know what happened next.
Yep. Next day she was gone for good.
Ah yes, assumption comes at a price…
And I will never forget the
lesson learned that night…
Let’s look at a few more -
I don’t want to assume you got the picture yet 
“My child is doing well in school.”
Really? How do you know that?
Wait – Do you mean they’re getting good grades,
or that they are getting alongwith the other students?
Or is “doing well in school” mean functioning
in an acceptable manner in the classroom?
“My spouse loves me”
How do you know that?
Did they tell you that today??
“Well, no – I just know”
OK… When did they last tell you?
“Oh, I don’t know – it’s been a while.
But really, I don’t need to hear it all the time.”
But… How can someone in love with you
NOT want to share that with you and tell you often ?
But if you were to ask him, he’d say
that he washes her car on Sunday,
takes out the trash every Wednesday, and
leaves the fan on at night so she can sleep.
And in his world, that means “I love you.”
Surely, she must know that… right ???
Right ??? !!! ???
I’ve got to sidetrack a little, because
this is a subject near & dear to me.
WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE
(and you better believe this is all kinds of relevant)
Do you know what love is ?
Do you know how to show it ?
Do you know What makes you feel loved ?
I’ll be honest, this has been a subject
that hasplagued me, and unfortunately
eluded me at times for years.
Because MY way of showing I love someone
may not convey nor be received as that -
just as THEIR way of “saying” they love me
may roll completely over my head;
lost, unappreciated, and unfelt.
I’m going to ruin your day here and tell you
that it’s NOT the thought that counts.
I hope you chuckle over that statement,
and then I hope it sinks in.
A couple can continue thinking
it’s the thought that counts -
yet when they continually do not receive
that which says “I love you, I appreciate you”
THE WAY THEY NEED IT “SAID” TO “HEAR” IT
the happiness in that relationship is doomed.
Guys – have you ever had your girl say something
crazy like “You don’t love me any more!” ?
And the best part is, you could’ve just washed
her car & waxed it – even vacuumed the thing !
Because, duh – you think she’s the greatest
and you wanted to show her how much you care !!
But little did you know she had just got off the
phone with her friend Vivian, whose boyfriend
had just given her a bouquet of flowers.
Translation:
Vivian’s boyfriend cares about her and loves her.
You (boyfriend) are just lame and can only
think about cleaning the stupid dirty car.
You never give her flowers – you don’t care.
(Note to self: in HER WORLD, flowers = love)
Good job, Casanova.
GUYS. (aka gentlemen)
GIRLS. (aka ladies)
Showing your love & appreciation
in a way that makes YOU feel good
DOES NOT guarantee that it will
make your partner feel good.
And when they don’t get that what
you are saying and doing is your way
of communicating your love & appreciation,
they will not react or respond accordingly.
Which usually sucks the winds out of the sails
because you were expecting the other to gush
over how much you must really care about them
for you to have said & done such a thing…
And…
so you think twice next time you decide
to express how you feel toward the other.
After all – if they don’t appreciate it,
Why bother ?
Guess how well this goes overwith the truly beloved ?
Do I need to go further,
or do you see where this train is headed ?
Having been on both sides of this scenario,
and witnessing it among both friends and
strangers alike – there are no winners.
And the talk around town is:
Guys are jerks, and girls are crazy.
Heard that one before ?
Now I know it must be some special kind of
entertaining to spend one’s time trying to
guess what their significant other wants
and needs to feel loved & appreciated.
Why else would people keep doing it ?
But let’s imagine that we would rather spend
our time enjoying one another in happiness,
and travel that narrow path for a change.
Here’s an experiment.
Think of a few things that IN YOUR WORLD
really make you feel loved & appreciated.
It doesn’t matter what they are;
nor how personal and intimate
these things might be either.
Just take a deep breath,
and write them down.
And at the end of the list
write the following:
“What do I do and what can I do
so that you know beyond a shadow
of a doubt how much I love you,
cherish, and appreciate you ?”
I’m asking you to write it down
because I think that this could be
a very uncomfortable task for some
to try and discuss one on one.
Also – writing it down
will help you to remember it
Heck – once you have “the list”
carry it with you because it may be
the most important “to do list” you have !
Now, remember those 3 questions?
(I know, I’m asking you to remember a lot here!)
Do you know what love is ?
Do you know how to show it ?
Do you know What makes you feel loved ?
It is important that you know the answers;
about yourself AND your partner -
and make sure you each know
one another’s answers.
STOP ASSUMING that you know,
stop thinking you know.
get the answers. KNOW !!!
I happen to think that Assumption
kills more relationships,
sinks more businesses
and creates more havoc
and drama than empty Silence.
Silence rarely remains just that: Silent.
It gets filled with interpretation,
assumption, and meaning.
A lot of frustration caused & missed opportunities
simply because no one bothered to get clarification
as to what was meant by the words that were spoken.
So, quick reminder back to the beginning:
1) What you heard
2) What you think it meant
Rinse. Repeat as needed
until the words run clear.
Here are also a handful of other questions
that can greatly chop through miscommunication:
~ “What did you mean by that?”
~ “Why do you say that?”
~ “Is there anything you’d
like me to do about that?”
~ “How did you take that?”
~ “What can we do together
to make this better ?”
Stop guessing and believing you’re right.
There is great wisdom in the saying;
“The more I learn, the less I know..”
Don’t allow pride to get in the way;
don’t get worked up because it may
seem like asking questions means
you don’t have all the answers.
A good indicator that this may be
a challenge area for you is if you
scoffed at the notion of asking
questions like the ones above.
So here’s the deal.
This is a topic that cannot be talked about enough.
COMMUNICATION
It is the lifeline that connects us,
in virtually every aspect of our lives.
In my Life and in the lives of countless others
I have known and observed over the past decade,
it has been the source of the biggest breakthroughs
- and a lack of it the cause of the worst breakdowns.
Making it a priority to become clear in the
communication you share with both others AND
yourself will change your Life and will make
a positive impact in the lives of many.
This isn’t an opinion.
I’m not sharing some theory.
My goal is not to inspire you tonight,
but to give you some tools and truth
forged from facts & findings I’ve
collected from a 20 year journey.
So at the end of this,
I now have a question for you.
How can making your level of communication
more clear, concise and understood
affect your Life and those around you ?
Be understanding
and understood
in your World…
If you want to know more,
let me suggest the book
“How To Be Heard
and have People
Listen to YOU”
